Anger Is The Answer

“Anger is not a reaction to the past; it's a signal about the present."

- Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger

"I'm not angry...I'm just tired."

If you're going through a divorce and feel like you're constantly exhausted, overwhelmed, or you've just checked out, there's a good chance you're not just tired -- you're angry.

And it makes sense. Anger is one of the most misunderstood and avoided emotions during divorce.

But here's the truth:

Anger isn't the problem. It's a message.

Most people fear their anger. They think it means they’re being irrational, dramatic, or ungrateful. Especially if you were conditioned to be the peacekeeper or the "bigger person" in your relationship, you might have been taught to bottle up anything that could cause conflict.

But what you suppress doesn’t go away. It simmers. It leaks. It shapes your behavior in ways that keep you stuck.

The Psychology of Suppressed Anger

Anger gets a bad reputation, especially for women. We’re often socialized to believe it’s not "feminine" or that it makes us unlikable. Instead, we fawn, overfunction, and swallow our rage while pretending everything is fine.

But chronic suppression of anger can lead to:

• Anxiety or restlessness

• Depression or burnout

• Passive-aggressive behaviors

• Trouble sleeping

• Feeling numb or disconnected

• Perfectionism or overthinking

When you don't give your anger a healthy outlet, it turns inward. It becomes shame, self-blame, or resentment.

Why Anger Isn't the Enemy - It's a Trusted Friend

Anger is your brain and body telling you that something is off. Imagine it as a trusted friend paying you a visit. Envisioning anger this way disarms it as something to fear and opens a dialogue between you and the emotion. Here's how you can build your relationship with your anger using the Face & Embrace Method:

Anger pays you a visit when:

• A boundary has been crossed

• You’ve been disrespected or dismissed

• You’ve compromised yourself too many times

• You're feeling unsafe or unseen

Healthy anger says: “Something needs to change.”

When anger shows up, embrace it and thank it for coming (I like to envision my emotions as a younger version of myself or the fun little characters from the movie Inside Out). Then invite it in for a nice little chat, ask:

• What are you here trying to protect me from?

• What have I been tolerating that no longer serves me?

• Where have I been pretending everything is okay when it’s not?

Take time to reflect on the messages that anger has for you. You can journal or talk them out loud as if you are actually having a conversation with the emotion, whatever you need to process the insights it is bringing you.

Then simply thank anger for the visit and for all the valuable information it's brought to you and send it on it's way, with love.

When you gently process the emotion you can let the energy move through your body, instead of it getting stuck.

What Happens If You Avoid Anger?

Avoided anger doesn’t disappear. It festers. It becomes:

• Chronic resentment

• Emotional shutdown

• Feeling stuck in the same relationship patterns

• Sabotaging future connections

• Physical dis-ease in the body

When you don’t let your anger out, you don’t get to move through grief either.

You stay emotionally constipated.

The Bottom Line:

You can’t heal what you refuse to feel.

Anger isn’t the enemy — it’s the doorway. When you give it space to speak, you unlock your voice, your truth, and your next chapter.

Want Support In Healing Through Divorce?

Inside the Do’s and Don’ts of Divorce membership, we go beyond surface-level advice and dig into the real emotional work that frees you. You’ll get the tools, guidance, and community to:

• Process your emotions (without drowning in them)

• Rebuild your identity

• Create the boundaries and future you deserve

CLICK HERE to join the membership and start your healing journey today!