Forgiveness in Divorce: The 4 R's Holding You Back

“Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” - Nelson Mandela

Introduction:

When you're in the thick of divorce, forgiveness might feel like a four-letter word.

You don’t want to forgive. You want to be right. You want to win. You want to prove a point—or prove them wrong. Trust me, I get it.

But here’s the truth most people don’t want to hear: you can’t fully move forward while you're dragging around the emotional weight of the 4 R’s—Regret, Resentment, Rejection, and Revenge.

Let's break them down:

1. Regret

The haunting “should’ve, could’ve, would’ve” reel that plays in your mind. It keeps you anchored to the past, making it almost impossible to create a new future. You may regret how you showed up in the relationship or you may regret meeting them in the first place...either way, you are keeping one foot in the past while the other is trying to move forward. Realize that what is done is done and there is no going back to change it, so stop carrying the burden and let it go.

2. Resentment

Resentment is like emotional quicksand—subtle at first, but it slowly pulls you under. It starts as irritation, then morphs into bitterness, and before you know it, it becomes part of your identity. You’re not just someone who went through a divorce—you’re someone who was wronged. And damn it, someone should pay for that.

It’s sneaky, too. Resentment tells you you're in control. That by holding onto it, you're holding them accountable. But most of the time? The person you’re resenting is out living their life, completely unaffected by the storm you’re carrying.

The only one it keeps prisoner… is you.

3. Rejection

The feeling that you weren’t good enough, chosen enough, worthy enough. It seeps into your self-worth, especially if the divorce wasn’t your choice. If your divorce involves betrayal it can be easy to let the effect your self-worth.

But self-worth is something you give to yourself. No one can take it from you unless you give it away.

4. Revenge

That delicious little fire that whispers, “I’ll show them.” It can feel powerful at first. I know—I used it as fuel to build my business. I wanted to prove to my ex that I could rise. And I did.

But here’s the catch: success fueled by hate and resentment eventually burns you out. It’s heavy. It’s unsustainable. And it’s not actually freedom.

The true weight of the 4 R's

I once heard a sermon where the pastor walked across the stage, picking up kettlebells one by one. Each one represented a grudge, an old wound, a heavy emotion like anger or resentment. He looked strong and capable at first. But with every step, the weight took a toll.
That’s exactly what carrying the 4 R’s is like during divorce. At first, it feels like power. Over time, it becomes a burden.

I once had a client who was complaining about some pain in her right shoulder. After some investigation we uncovered resentment toward a man in her life (the right side of the body represents the masculine energy). After we did a healing session to release the resentment...the pain in her right shoulder disappeared.

The 4 R's are hurting you in more ways than you can even imagine.

So why don't we drop them?

Because on some level, these emotions are serving us.

• Regret helps us feel responsible—like if we just analyze it enough, we can prevent future pain.

• Resentment gives us a sense of moral superiority—“I would never do what they did.”

• Rejection keeps us small so we don’t risk being hurt again.

• Revenge gives us momentum when we feel powerless.

But that momentum is temporary. And your healing? That’s forever.

Forgiveness isn’t saying what happened was okay. It’s saying you’re not going to let it poison your future.
You don’t forgive because they deserve it.
You forgive because you do.

You deserve a life that's light, expansive, and free.
Not one weighed down by kettlebells of pain.

Ready to drop the weight of the 4 R's and finally move forward?

Join the Do’s and Don’ts of Divorce Membership—a supportive space where you’ll get expert emotional guidance, healing tools, and a like-hearted community that gets it.
You don’t have to do this alone—and you don’t have to carry the pain any longer. 💔➡️💪

CLICK HERE to join the membership and start your healing journey today