The Do’s and Don’ts of Keeping the Kids Out of the Middle (For Real)

The Do’s and Don’ts of Keeping the Kids Out of the Middle (For Real)

Even good parents can accidentally put their kids in the middle of divorce ... without realizing it.

You may not be slamming doors or saying terrible things about your ex. But subtle things- like venting in the car or asking your child to pass messages can leave lasting emotional scars.

Keeping your kids out of the middle is more than a goal. It’s a practice. One that takes awareness, boundaries, and sometimes, a pause before you speak.

Here’s how to protect your children from the emotional crossfire and keep them out of adult issues they didn’t ask to be part of.

✅ Do’s

✅ Do speak respectfully about your child’s other parent (even when it's hard)
Your child doesn’t just love them-they are part of them. Even passive jabs can feel like you're criticizing who your child is at their core.

✅ Do use neutral, simple language when sharing logistics
Stick to basics. “You’ll be at Dad’s on Friday” is enough. No editorializing needed.

✅ Do let your child love both parents freely
Kids shouldn’t have to manage your emotions. Say: “It’s okay to miss Dad,” or “I’m glad you had fun with Mom.”

✅ Do encourage open expression of feelings
Let them talk about what’s hard, confusing, or sad without rushing in to fix it or turning it into a discussion about the other parent.

✅ Do model emotional regulation and healthy communication
Even if your ex doesn’t. Your child is watching and learning how adults handle conflict.

✅ Do create safe, consistent routines
Predictability helps kids feel secure especially when everything else is changing.

❌ Don’ts

❌ Don’t make your child the messenger
“Tell your mom I said…” is a no. Use text, email, or an app like OurFamilyWizard. Your child should never be the go-between.

❌ Don’t ask your child to report on the other parent
Even casual questions like “Did he have his new girlfriend over?” puts them in the middle. It creates anxiety and loyalty binds.

❌ Don’t vent or cry about the other parent in front of them
Even if they’re on their tablet or in the back seat ...kids hear everything. Save the venting for a therapist, friend, or journal.

❌ Don’t compare households or try to “out-parent” your ex
This only sets your child up for confusion and pressure. Your home doesn’t have to “win.” It just has to be safe and loving.

❌ Don’t turn adult issues into child-sized burdens
Legal drama, money stress, child support, new partners ...it’s not theirs to carry. Even teens deserve a break from the drama.

Final Thoughts

You may not be able to control your ex.
But you can absolutely control your lane.

Keeping your child out of the middle is an act of love and protection.
It takes restraint, but it also builds trust. It helps your child feel emotionally safe, no matter how tough the divorce gets.

And when they grow up, they’ll remember that.
Not the court filings. Not the arguments.
They’ll remember who helped them stay a kid.