Forgiveness is the first step

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” - Lewis B. Smedes

Introduction:

Forgiveness after divorce can feel like a dirty word.

If you’ve been betrayed, abandoned, gaslit, or left to pick up the pieces of your life alone—it might sound outrageous to suggest you should “forgive.” And if you’re the one who made the decision to leave, like I did, forgiveness can still be a heavy weight—especially when the guilt creeps in at night.

But here’s what I know to be true: forgiveness isn’t about them. It’s about you.

It’s not about letting someone off the hook for how they hurt you. It’s about freeing yourself from having to carry that pain into the next chapter of your life.

You don’t have to feel ready. You don’t have to force it. But when you choose forgiveness—especially self-forgiveness—you unlock a kind of emotional freedom that nothing else can give you.

What forgiveness isn't...

Let’s clear something up right away:
Forgiveness is not approval. It’s not agreement. And it’s definitely not weakness.

A lot of people resist forgiveness because they think it means saying, “What happened was okay.”
It’s not.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone what they did.
It doesn’t mean you forget.
It doesn’t mean you ever have to speak to them again.
And it sure as hell doesn’t mean you have to “just move on.”

Forgiveness doesn’t require an apology (I mean, let's be real... you're probably not going to get one).
It doesn’t require closure.
It doesn’t even require the other person to still be in your life.

What it does require is courage—to release the grip that pain has on your heart, and to stop waiting for someone else to fix what they broke.

You don’t forgive because they deserve it.
You forgive because you deserve peace.

What forgiveness is...

If forgiveness isn’t about forgetting, excusing, or reconciling—then what is it?

Forgiveness is a conscious decision to stop carrying the pain.
It’s choosing to no longer let that moment, that betrayal, that ending define your future.

Forgiveness is reclaiming your energy.
Your dignity.
Your ability to breathe without the weight of the past pressing on your chest.

It’s not a one-time event—it’s a practice.
Some days you’ll feel lighter. Other days the anger or guilt might return. But with forgiveness, you’re no longer locked in a cycle of blame. You’re free to move forward on your terms.

Most importantly, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.
It’s what opens the door to clarity, emotional stability, and the kind of healing that actually lasts.

Forgiving yourself can be the hardest part...

It’s one thing to be angry at someone else.
But it’s another thing entirely to turn that anger inward.

We don’t always talk about this part, but for so many of us, the hardest person to forgive after divorce… is ourselves.

I know it was for me.

I was the one who asked for the divorce. I knew in my gut it was the right decision, but I still carried so much guilt. Guilt for breaking up the family. Guilt for not holding it together longer. Guilt for hurting someone who once loved me.

At night, the guilt would whisper things like, “What if you had just tried harder?” or “What kind of mother does this?”
And in those moments, it felt like I should punish myself for the choice I had made

But what I learned—and what I teach now—is this: self-forgiveness is not a declaration that you did everything perfectly. It’s the decision to stop punishing yourself for being human.

It’s saying, “I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.”
It’s allowing yourself to be a person who changes, chooses themselves, and grows.

You can’t fully heal if part of you is still holding yourself hostage.

And if that’s where you are right now—stuck in guilt, regret, or shame—I want you to know: you’re not alone. And it doesn’t have to stay this way.

Why we resist forgiveness (and why that's okay)

Let’s be honest: holding onto the hurt can feel safer than letting it go.

Anger can feel powerful.
Blame can feel protective.
Even guilt can feel familiar—like penance we’re supposed to carry forever.

Sometimes we tell ourselves that if we forgive, it means they “got away with it.”
Or that we’ll forget how bad it really was.
Or that we’ll somehow lose part of our identity—because who are we if we’re no longer “the one who was hurt”?

But here’s the thing: your pain may have shaped you, but it doesn’t have to define you.

Resistance is part of the process.
You don’t need to force forgiveness. But you do deserve to understand what’s underneath the resistance.

Often, we’re still holding onto something—validation, control, protection—that we think the pain gives us. But the truth is, the longer we grip it, the more it grips us.

And if you’re still feeling tangled in resentment, rejection, regret, or revenge—those emotional anchors we often carry after divorce—I wrote this post about the 4 R’s of Divorce Healing just for you. It may help make sense of what’s still lingering and why.

Journaling prompts for forgiveness

You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t even have to want to forgive right now.
But if there’s a small part of you that’s ready for something lighter—start here.

Find a quiet space, take a deep breath, and let these prompts guide you:

• What parts of me still feel stuck in the past?

• Who am I still blaming, and what do I believe I’ll lose if I let that blame go?

• What do I believe would happen if I forgave them? What about if I forgave myself?

• What is the cost of continuing to carry this pain? What might be possible without it?

• What do I most want to feel in this next season of my life—and what needs to be released to feel it?

Remember, forgiveness isn’t about rushing the process.
It’s about being willing to meet yourself in the truth—and choose peace anyway.

You don't have to do this alone

Forgiveness is deeply personal—but it doesn’t have to be lonely.

Inside the Do’s and Don’ts of Divorce membership, we walk this journey with you. You’ll get access to powerful tools, compassionate community, and the exact frameworks I use with my clients to process pain, release emotional baggage, and reconnect with your strength.

Whether you're struggling to forgive your ex, your co-parent, or yourself—you're not broken. You're healing.

Let us support you through that healing.💔➡️💪

CLICK HERE to join the membership and start your healing journey today!

Because the truth is: you don’t need them to say “I’m sorry” in order to move forward.

You just need to be willing to say, “I’m ready.”